The Mirror

It's nearly 4 in the morning. I haven't been able to sleep. This is the day that begins the rest of my life. We are leaving to begin the journey to Ireland, however long that might take. And as I lay sleepless in my room full of cardboard boxes my thoughts begin to wander back into similar events in my life. This is not the first time I have done this...I have lived in Germany. . . twice. But this time is different. Maybe it's because I'm "older".
Ok, I'm 35 which means to the young, I am old and to the old, I am young...so I suppose at this point in my life I simply "am"! Anyway, this time around it's not as easy as it was before. My children are growing up and this move is taking more of a toll on them. Before it was like a big vacation but as they grow up they realize what living by faith means, and sometimes it is frightening. I am different too. I have spent the last five years of my life in a whirlwind! So busy with my family and a brand new church that I have not really had the time to stop and evaluate myself. Which is unfortunate. Had I taken the time to do that I might be a little more pleased with myself now. In all of my "busyness" and living in day to day survival mode I have lost sight of some things.
Recently, I was visiting my Mom who has Alzheimer's. We had been rearranging some things in the house and hung a beautiful full length mirror at the end of the hall. Mom has to pass this mirror to get to her bedroom. As my sister was walking Mom to her room to go to sleep, the mirror caught Mom's attention. She stopped and smiled at the woman in the mirror. My sister asked her who she was smiling at and Mom simply replied, "She's sweet." She didn't recognize herself. As they were turning to go on to the bedroom Mom stopped and pressed her hand against her reflection in the mirror and said with concern, "She can't get out!" She thought that sweet lady was trapped inside the mirror. People with Alzheimer's tend to remember things from years previous but can't remember things from yesterday or even a few moments ago. So I wonder who or what Mom actually saw when she looked in the mirror. When she looked into her own eyes, did she see herself as she is now or as she once was?
This morning as I lay awake, I was looking into "the mirror". I felt like God was there with his arm around my shoulder asking me who I was looking at. She certainly wasn't the person I stare at every morning in my bathroom mirror! At first, I didn't recognize her. I hadn't seen her in a long time. Staring back at me was someone I had known before who served God with reckless abandon. Someone who at the age of 15 felt an annointing on her life and realized that this walk with God was her own and not a family tradition. Someone who really didn't care so much what people thought. Someone who loved more, listened more and talked less. Someone who wasn't afraid. Someone who would sing all day, just because she felt like it. Someone who knew how to take time and smell the roses. Someone who took the time to play and laugh. Someone who understood that a having a close and constant relationship with God was more important than simply accomplishing the work of God. Someone who was not uptight and agitated. Someone different than me. The person I saw in "the mirror" made me smile. I really liked her...but she was trapped behind the glass!
Life changes us. We experience things that cause us to lose sight of Him... sometimes because we just let them. But God knows us better than we know ourselves and just when we think we have it all together, He has to take us back for a look in "the mirror" to see who we really are underneath all the baggage.
I am determined to get reacquainted with that girl in the mirror. She's pretty great! God has a reason for everything and in the stillness of this particular morning He had a reason for keeping me awake and reminding me of some things. Things that bring peace and joy to my heart. I think he wants me to begin this journey back over seas with a renewed hope and passion. I am grateful! It's like being reunited with an old friend. And I think she could teach this person I have become a thing or two.
So, even though I haven't gotten much sleep, I'm not really tired. I feel like singing...but my kids are asleep so I better not. I hope they get to know that girl "in the mirror" too. I think they will like her better!
: )

Oh, and Mom, I love you...and that lady you saw in the mirror, she is sweet! I miss you so much!

Since this was written 2 years ago, my Mom went home to be with Jesus. I know she is in a safer, happier place where there is no more fear or pain...and she is once again that sweet, beautiful lady in the mirror!